


Hold On To Those

by Inrainbowz



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Djinni & Genies, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Memory Loss, Post-Break Up, Wishes, some actual shadowhunting for once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 23:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6727066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Do you want to make a wish?”<br/>“Fuck off.”<br/>“Come on, it's just a question. What would you wish for? If you could ask for anything.”<br/>“I would wish for this pain to disappear.”<br/>“Ah. A classic. My wish is to have the sentence "Be careful of what you wish for" tattooed on my forehead. But for now, it's all about you."</i>
</p><p> </p><p>They had had a terrible week, and they had jumped on the opportunity to go and see Magnus with a good enough reason, because they could all see Alec was miserable. Really, he just wanted a chance to see him again. Just a moment, anyway at all, it would be fine by him.</p><p>Or so he thought. Then Magnus didn't recognize him, and then he discovered that, contrary to what he thought, things could actually get worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold On To Those

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this for a while and since I have shcool work and don't have much time to write, I figure I'd post it. One day I will be satisfied with what I write. Today's not the day T-T
> 
> I didn't read the second trilogy so I have only wikia knowledge of what goes down between Alec and Magnus. I guess this is how they could get back together before the whole going to the demon realm thing. I just wanted to write Magnus-forgets-induced angst, because I'm a bad person. Thanks NightChanger for the beat, hope you'll enjoy!

"Do you want to make a wish?”

“Fuck off.”

“Come on, it's just a question. What would you wish for? If you could ask for anything.”

“I would wish for this pain to disappear.”

“Ah. A classic. My wish is to have the sentence "Be careful of what you wish for" tattooed on my forehead. But for now, it's all about you."

.

Alec was miserable. Everybody knew, and no one wanted to talk about it.

To his credit, he was putting on a very brave front. He was skilled at keeping his bad mood and lingering despair in check, as efficient as ever on missions, as serious and protective, as good. 

But they all knew, and it was hard to watch. For most of the adults he seemed like his usual brooding, quiet and discreet teenager, but that was the thing: he hadn't been that person in a long time.

Not since he had fallen in love with Magnus.

Which is why, a month after the couple had broken up and Alec had retracted back into an even more introverted misanthrope, his siblings and friends were actually grateful for a major injury that forced them to seek out the help of the warlock. Since the beginning of the week, they had been up against the weirdest things they had ever seen. Not even with a fight, most of the time. The night before they had to chase a unicorn in downtown Manhattan.

A real fucking unicorn.

Tonight’s call looked suspiciously like… well, like Smaug, according to Clary. Dragons now, seriously? They didn’t have time to dwell on it: the beast vanished as soon as they killed it and the enormous bleeding gash on Jace's side, while not mortal, was serious enough that their visit wouldn't seem completely forced - even if it was, a bit. They were close to the loft, it made sense. Alec tried to argue, but Jace was indeed hurt and if he was being honest with himself - not that he was - he was dying for any opportunity to see Magnus again, even from afar, even for just a moment. Anyway at all would be okay for him.

Or so he thought. 

.

Izzy was the one to ring the bell, on the small chance that Magnus was still too angry and hurt to even want to talk to Alec. The boy was supporting Jace and trying not to listen to eagerly at the voice on the interphone.

"Who is this?”

“Isabelle. Jace is hurt, we need your help.”

“Who?”

Izzy rolled her eyes. Seriously? Pretending like he didn't recognize her? That was beyond childish. 

"Isabelle Lightwood? New York Institute? Ring any bell?" she answered angrily. It was probably not the best course of action but Magnus buzzed them in anyway. 

They climbed the stairs slowly, Jace hissing in pain at every step. Magnus was waiting for them on the doorstep of his apartment. Alec's heart was in his throat as he met the warlock's gaze.

Who proceeded to ignore him completely.

It wasn't even that. He didn't acknowledge his presence. His eyes scanned the small group with a bored expression, and Alec felt like dying.

"What can I do for a group of baby Shadowhunters then?”

“Jace was hurt. We were fighting close by, we thought you could give us a hand.”

“And why the hell you thought that, that's beyond me. But well, I guess now that you’re here you can come in. Shadowhunters do pay handsomely after all."

They followed him inside, distraught by his obvious indifference. Sure, they had expected him to be cold, but not that cold. Izzy cast a worried look to Alec, who seemed as ready as Jace to faint. He laid his parabatai on the couch and stood awkwardly at his side, unsure and lost. He wanted to talk, wanted to reach out to the love of his life whom he hadn't seen in weeks and was standing just a few feet away but wasn't looking at him. Why wasn't he looking at him? Why? How? How could he do that? How could he be so cool and collected while Alec was falling apart?

Had he been the only one to suffer hell since they broke up? Was Magnus over it already?

Izzy came to stand by him while the warlock tended to Jace, and took his hand in hers. He squeezed it a bit too hard, teeth digging into his lips. He didn't want to cry.

"So... Isabelle right? And what's the name of your bleeding friend?”

It was her turn to crush his hand as she got angry again.

"Seriously, is this how you're gonna play it? What are you, twelve?”

“Excuse me?"

Magnus got up, far from amused.

"Is it too hard a question for an angel child? What, I should know all of you, that's it?”

“What the fuck Magnus, how can you be such an ass?”

“Would you stop acting like we know each other?”

“Oh, because we don't right?"

Magnus looked at her like she was completely stupid.

"No, we don't actually. Just because you've heard of me and were told that I would apparently bend to your every will doesn't give you the right to insult me."

The Lightwood siblings stared at him with wide eyes and open mouths.

Alec launched himself toward Magnus. He gripped his shoulders, a bit manic.

"Did you get hurt? Something happened?" he asked in a panicked voice, shaking him. 

Magnus pushed him away, looking almost scared.

"What are you talking about? I really don't appreciate your attitude children. I want you to be on your way as soon as blondie here can walk."

Alec was feeling sick. His breath was shortened, spots were dancing in front of his eyes.

"Magnus, tell me it's a joke, it's a joke right? You're pissed at me I know, I understand, but you... this... this can't be for real. You can't do that to me, you can't."

He was panicking. Magnus was looking at him with surprise and confusion, but he didn't give any indication that he knew what the young man was talking about.

Alec fled the room.

Izzy cursed loudly. Why could nothing ever go right for them? Did the world and destiny and whatever, enjoy torturing them, enjoy beating Alec up every time he thought he had finally healed? She told Clary to keep an eye on Jace, cast a murderous look at an unfazed Magnus, and ran after her brother.

She found him on the sidewalk in front of the building, bent down and leaning on the wall, unable to catch his breath. She wanted to kill Magnus, but those feelings weren't very productive nor helpful at the moment. She put and arm on Alec's back, whispering to him soothingly.

"Shh, breathe Alec, come on, calm down and breathe with me."

It took several minutes for him to come down from his panicked state. He straightened up to immediately collapse in his sister's arm, sobbing quietly.

"Did he... did he..."

He wasn't able to say it. Izzy was rubbing his back gently, at a loss of words. Seeing Alec break down had always left her lost and fragile, because it happened so rarely. Alec was the rock they clung to, the steady one, reliable one. He comforted them, not the other way around.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry Alec.”

“Did he forget about me? Did he do it on purpose?"

She had no answer for her brother right now. They stayed like this for a long time, until they heard their friends coming down the stairs. Alec pulled out of her arms and wiped his face, regaining what he could of a composure before they came out of the building. Clary was supporting Jace, but he was out of trouble. 

"We spoke a little with Magnus,” explained Clary with a sad voice. “He vaguely recalls meeting us at the party, but he insists we never crossed paths again after that. I'm sorry."

She tried to cross Alec's gaze but he was looking past her, lost in his own head.

"We can think about it later. Let's go home," decided Izzy, to break the daze that had overcome them. She had the impression Alec would want to let it go, to bury it deep inside of him with everything else that hurt him, and she was determined not to let that happen.

.

"I'm just saying you could at least ask around," Izzy said for the umpteenth time, getting more and more frustrated with her stupid older brother. He was reading in the library, playing dumb and acting like he was unaffected, like he hadn't discovered a few hours ago that the man he was in love with had no memory of their time together.

"It doesn't matter,” he said without looking away from his book. “Mag... he's free to do what he wants, it doesn't concern me anymore.

“That's not how it works! Look, think about it this way: we don't know what happened. Maybe it was intentional, but maybe not, like with Clary. Maybe someone else took his memory without him knowing.

“Why would anyone be interesting in the memories of a warlock and his boy toy?

“A jealous ex-lover, an enemy, a regular asshole, who knows! It's possible! Or maybe he tried to suppress something and he made a mistake, maybe he was attacked, maybe...”

“Maybe he just wanted to get rid of all those boring memories."

Sometimes, her brother's self-depreciation and lack of confidence made her sad. She recognized how the dynamic of their family was responsible for this, and she was sorry to see the blatant disregard and hate he had for himself.

Other times it made her incredibly angry.

She snatched the book from his hand.

"Would you quit it with the self-pity! Since you're so good at seeing yourself at your lowest, consider that if Magnus is four hundred years old he probably has far worse memories than fooling around with your idiot ass! So either you meant far more to him than that, for him to not being able to bear the thought of you anymore, or it's something else entirely! Because it also means that we can no longer count on him for help, have you thought of that? We have no clue what’s causing all those disturbances with the mundanes, and it's one less ally we clearly can't afford to lose. Maybe it has nothing to do with you!"

Not that she really believed that, but Alec would. For her it was obvious that willingly or not Magnus had wanted to escape from the pain of the break up. But for Alec, it was far more easy to believe that the warlock had other, more important concerns. Sadly they had broken up before Magnus could fully convince Alec of his own worth.

"Let's just ask around, Alec. See his friends, try to understand. We don't have to do anything about it, we don't have to see him. I'll go with you, ok? I'll be there."

She waited patiently for him to answer. He was staring at his hands like his book was still there - maybe he hadn't even noticed it wasn't – and she couldn't see his face, but she knew he was hurt, even if he wanted to do nothing about it. He probably thought he deserved it. Stupid, stupid brother. Finally, he gave an imperceptible nod.

"We can... go to see Catarina. She and Magnus are close. I think she'll know."

.

 

Alec almost turned back twice on the way. It was good that Izzy was here or he would never had gone through with it. He had only met Catarina a handful of times, and only by default because he was with Magnus. She would find it weird to have him visit like this, after they had broken up nonetheless. It didn't make any sense, he had no right.

"Alec, seriously, shut up. You're ridiculous."

They reached the hospital soon enough and asked for Catarina at the front desk. They were told to wait a moment. Alec found himself praying the woman would be too busy, in the middle of an open-heart surgery or something.

"Oh, hello Alec!"

No such luck.

She was making her way toward them in her nurse outfit. He could see the exact moment when she remembered that he wasn't her friend's boyfriend anymore and that she couldn't act normal with him. He still had this realization himself - sometimes he simply forgot the unnatural situation of not being with Magnus. He would catch himself going to his apartment, or starting to write him a text, and thinking of buying him a gift, before reality caught up with him in the cruelest way possible.

Oh, that's right. It's over.

"What can I do for you?" she asked, not unkindly.

"I was wondering if... I... hem... Have you spoken to Magnus recently?"

Izzy had apparently decided to let him do it. Catarina debated a short while if she could answer him or not, but in the end they weren't children, especially Magnus and her. She appreciated Alec well enough.

"It's been a few weeks. Why?

“We went to see him last night. For... business. But he... he didn't…"

He looked helplessly at Izzy. He didn’t want to say it. 

"He didn't remember us. Any of us, at all," she finished for him, suppressed anger hardening her voice. Catarina looked surprised.

"Well he... definitely remembered you, the last time I saw him."

Alec hated himself for being pleased that Magnus suffered from their separation. He didn't want that. He wanted Magnus to be happy and loved, safe and fine, and to have everything he could ever want, to be sheltered from pain and to never come to any harm. But he couldn't prevent himself from wanting Magnus to miss him, as much as he missed the warlock. He didn't want to, but he did.

"I wanted to ask you if you thought... If he could have done it to himself."

He didn't want to cry, again. Enough was enough, would he never stop? Catarina thought about it for a bit.

"Technically it's possible, but it's unlikely. Performing those kind of spells on one's self is risky, even for someone as strong as Magnus. And it's... not really like him, don't you think?”

"Please don't ask my brother for his opinion on the matter, you'll want to laugh. I'm sorry, I'm Isabelle Lightwood, Alec's sister. I came because he wouldn't have dared bother you otherwise.”

"It's no bother really.”

“That's what I told him. Do you think it would be possible for you to... investigate a bit? Like you said, it's not like Magnus. Maybe something happened, maybe he didn't want this. We just want to make sure.”

"Alright. I want to know too. But I have to be honest – those things are... practically impossible to realize without the consent of the receiver. Granted, it can be a very vague or forced consent but... it's a rule. However for what it's worth" - she was talking to Alec now, pinning him with her steady gaze - "I really don't believe he would have wanted this. You were... You are really special to him. Be sure of it."

He nodded, grateful if not convinced. 

“Oh, another thing since you’re here. Have you encountered any strange supernatural things recently?” she asked.

They looked at each other before Isabelle answered:

“Yeah, why?”

“Because I was just tending to a guy, a perfectly ordinary mundane, who seems to have grown a third arm in the middle of his chest overnight.”

“What?”

“I took care of it, and he won’t remember anything, but it’s not the first mundane, magically fucked up this week.”

“We did have really weird encounters.”

“Like what?”

“Er, unicorns. Twice. And a dragon.”

Catarina looked pensive for a moment.

“Let’s keep each other updated. It’s hard to believe that it’s not connected.”

“Okay. If you say so.”

Isabelle gave their thanks and a way of contacting them, and they were on their way.

.

"There's trouble in town", said Jace as soon as he saw them back at the Institute. He was already dressed for battle, on his way out. Clary was following not far behind, also in combat gear.

"What is it?" asked Isabelle, diverting their attention from the hollow look on Alec's face and his shaking hands. 

"We don't know yet, but it seems to involve mundanes. Mundanes flying, and throwing cars with their bare hands. Apparently."

"What?"

"A good distraction, eh?" said Jace. Izzy rolled her eyes. He was so awkward with all things concerning love and feelings, especially when it turned sour. He was doing his best to support Alec, but let's be honest, he was clueless. At least his clumsy but heartfelt attempt had the merit to make Alec laugh - well, smile - well, look less like he had just eaten a very bitter slice of lemon. Small mercies.

They made their way downtown on the instruction of the fairy who had reported the troubles. They weren't sure there was anything yet - things might have improved between Nephilim and Downworlders, but they still received prank calls and false alarm once in a while. However, as soon as they reached the place in question, a square lined with bars and restaurants and thus highly frequented, it became evident it was no prank at all.

The place was in total chaos. It was due partly to a couple of people flying around the place with wild screams, visibly torn between amazement and seething terror, seeing they weren't able to touch ground again. Another source of problem were the two angry men fighting in the middle of the square with tree trunks - yeah, tree trunks. The spectators of the scene were both excited and terrified, but mostly, they were completely drunk, giving a surreal air of carelessness to the scene, where logic and survival instinct were out the window.

"What the hell is this?" screamed Jace. They were a bit taken aback by the scene, unsure of what to do. There had to be some magic involved: they saw a guy tripping on his own feet, his clothes absurdly too small for his very tall body. A woman was sitting on the floor, absorbed in her own reflection in the mirror she was holding, completely oblivious to the person next to her who was pulling bills upon bills of American dollars from her purse with a manic laugh, throwing them in the air for the crowd to catch. 

"We need back up!" screamed Izzy, to cover the noise of the crowd growing wilder and wilder. Alec nodded and grabbed his Sensor, to warn the Institute while the others tried to understand what was going on.

"It's a miracle!" screamed a young man whose glass, as well as his friend's, was constantly refilling as soon as they drank it. 

"What happened?" asked Clary. 

"It's the genie! The genie from the magic lamp, he made our wish come true!"

"Oh crap."

"A djinn?"

"Most certainly, and one with a shitty sense of humor. Look at this mess!"

Next to them, a girl with bright green skin was sobbing quietly. Clary approached her and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. The girl looked up with glossy eyes.

"He... He said he could grant any wishes."

"And you asked for green skin?" said Jace with a mean tone, fed up already with this situation.

“I didn't know it was for real!"

"It's okay, it's okay" tempered Clary. "It's gonna be fine. Who was that man? Could you describe him to me?

"Are you the police or something?"

"We're here to help," she eluded.

"I don't know, he was... he was tall and sexy. Brown skin, black hair, dark eyes, he... was maybe... thirty or something."

"Did he say something about where he was going, or his name?”

"N... No but... but he said he had to go ‘cause... ‘cause he wasn't done for the night."

Jace cursed loudly. Other Shadowhunters arriving at the scene were being briefed by the Lightwood siblings. 

"We should try and track him,” Clary said. “They can take care of things here but we have to find him before he grants anymore wishes."

Jace nodded. 

"You go, I'll stay here and manage the reinforcement. We have to contain this,” Alec told them.

"Okay. Come back here if you can, or see you back at the Institute."

The three Shadowhunters left. Alec patted the shoulder of a guy who seemed to have trouble walking because of a massive thing between his legs, and he was making his way to break up a nasty fight between two surreally beautiful girl when he froze. Among the ones coming to lend a hand were Catarina, and most importantly, Magnus.

The woman caught his eyes and tried to stir Magnus in another direction, but it was too late: he was making his way toward the younger man, who was paralyzed, unable to move or hide.

"We meet again blue eyes. Are you in a better mood than last time?"

Alec's heart was in his throat - he felt sick. Catarina looked at him with a silent apology, and no small amount of pity.

"Not really, but it has nothing to do with you, and more with this mess."

He pointed at the scene, still agitated by chaos. Shadowhunters were slowly getting back control of the situation, but the poor mundanes were still panicking over their newly found characteristics. Magnus rolled his eyes, a bored expression on his face.

“Mundanes” he said with a long-suffering sigh.

.

A few hours later, all mundanes were sent on their way, their memories confused enough that they would blame it on the alcohol, the wishes reversed, and everything more or less back to normal. The others were still after the djinn, at least they were when Isabelle texted Alec last. He had done his best to avoid Magnus at all cost, but for an unknown, and frankly cruel reason, Magnus was certainly not trying to avoid him.

"So. I still want to know what that was all about."

"What?"

"Last time. I have to admit you almost scared me."

Magnus couldn't be scared of him. He couldn’t.

"I'm sorry. I was out of it."

"Sure were."

He didn't understand how he managed to stay this calm, to stay composed when he felt like he was being torn into pieces. Why did he have to endure this? Why couldn't he leave and let go? He knew why. He couldn't choose between escaping from this pain and spending time, however dreadful, close to Magnus. 

Thankfully, the others arrived back at the square.

"That's my cue to leave," said Magnus with a seductive smile. Alec suddenly got very scared of what he was going to say. The others were still too far away to save him, even if he saw Isabelle walk faster as soon as she saw them. It was too late. Magnus was producing a card from the inside of his jacket.

"Call me?"

Alec punched him in the face. 

.

“And we didn't catch him. He fled and I doubt he will do anything more tonight but, yeah," said Isabelle with an apologizing tone, sorry to bring even more bad news. She was drawing an iratze on the back of Alec's skull, because he had been so shocked to hit Magnus that he had stumbled backward, caught his feet on the pavement, fallen, and hit his head on a tree. It wasn't his day.

"The world hates me" he sulked, hissing when his skin stitched itself back together.

Isabelle was going to add something when she was cut off by a ringing phone. Alec reached inside of his jacket pocket. The caller was unknown.

"Yeah?"

"I got your number from Magnus's phone. It's Catarina."

"Oh. Hello."

"Are you okay?"

He thought a little too long on his answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

A common lie. She didn't comment on it.

"Listen, I've been thinking about what’s been happening lately and I think I know what is wrong with Magnus."

He perked up at that, ignoring Isabelle who was trying to convey through signs and faces that she wanted in the conversation.

"Really? So?"

"Well first, it’s safe to assume that the djinn is responsible for the mess we’ve been dealing with lately. He has probably been walking around granting wishes for a few days.”

"Yeah, we thought that much.”

"Well, it so happens that he was officiating in a bar a couple of nights ago, where Magnus went to get drunk."

Alec paled visibly under Isabelle's worried gaze.

"You... you mean..."

"Djinn are tricky bastard. They can make you wish on the most stupid things, or twist your words to make it look like they give you what you want in the worst way possible. There is no way to know what he demanded exactly."

"But you're sure..."

"I'm pretty sure it was the djinn who blocked his memory, yeah. They are only blocked, I checked, but I can’t do anything about it, it’s up to the djinn, or, if it comes to that, Magnus himself."

"I... I see."

"Alec, I'm telling you, you can't know..."

"Thanks for telling me. I have to go."

"Alec!"

He hung up. He felt numb. Isabelle took the phone from his hand before it slipped and bent her head to catch his eyes.

"What did she say?"

He told her, voice and face expressionless. She sighed.

"Catarina is right, you know djinn are far from fair players."

"It doesn't change the fact that, one way or another, he... he wished for..."

Jace chose this moment to interrupt, which Alec was grateful for.

"We know where to find that asshole," he said. He and Clary still had weapons and gear on. The siblings nodded but Isabelle grabbed Alec by the sleeve when he went for his bow.

"Maybe you should sit this one out."

"What?"

"You're in no condition to fight. We don't want to kill him."

"I do."

"You don't mean that."

He didn't. Of course he didn't. He was just lost, and sad, and hurt.

"Maybe you're right," he conceded, just now taking on how tired and stressed he was. This really was taking its toll on him. 

"We'll bring him back here, I promise," she said with an encouraging smile, squeezing his shoulder briefly before following the others to the armory. Alec stayed standing there, arms hanging limply to his sides, and had to wait a long time before he could move again.

.

He got a text from Clary saying that they caught the djinn and were taking him back to the Institute. He was going to meet them at the entrance but when the elevator came, it wasn’t empty.

Magnus was staring at him, wary and angry, and Alec’s thoughts had stuttered to an end.

“You again. Should I be worried?”

“What… what are you doing here?”

Magnus sighed with an exasperated expression. He raked a hand through his sparkling hair, a gesture so achingly familiar Alec felt his throat close up.

“Maryse Lightwood asked me to come report on the situation with the djinn. We tracked all the wishes we could and reversed them, but she wanted to be sure.”

“Right. Alright. They caught the djinn. They’re bringing him to the Institute, until we can deliver him back to his own people. They will handle his punishment."

"You didn't kill him? So progressive of you. I'm impressed."

Alec couldn't answer. Magnus, his Magnus, wouldn't have been surprised by that. He knew they were trying to be better than this. His Magnus knew it. He was proud of him for it.

"We don't follow that path anymore."

"That's great."

There was no sarcasm in his voice, just genuine pleasure. 

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Alec said suddenly. He caught Magnus’s puzzled gaze and realized he has raised his hands and was almost touching his cheek, where his fist has landed. It bore no mark of course, Magnus had already taken care of it, but it was still there in Alec’s mind. He dropped his hand awkwardly.

“You’re a very strange man, Alexander Lightwood.”

How was it possible that Magnus sounded so fond? Alec had acted like a complete psycho, they didn’t know each other, at least from Magnus's point of view.

“Shouldn’t you be angry at me?”

“I should. Somehow, I'm not.

Alec wondered, if he forgot too, would it happen all over again? Would they meet and fall in love, and would it fall apart? Why was Magnus still drawn to him, how did that make sense, how was it fair?

Suddenly, it was too much. He couldn’t bear it any longer, and he was afraid he would punch Magnus again if he tried to flirt with him.

“My mother will be in the library,” he supplied. Magnus took it at the dismissal it was and with a confused smile, he walked past Alec and disappeared into the Institute.

Alec exhaled loudly. He hadn’t realized how hard it had been to breathe. 

.

Isabelle, Jace and Clary came back dragging a short muscled man with dark skin and darker hair. His face was marked with dotting patterns in black ink and his eyes were shining a golden glow, mischievous and arrogant. They stepped out of the elevator just as Magnus was rounding the corner of the corridor. The djinn looked at Alec, at the disappearing silhouette of the warlock, then at Alec again, before he seemed to come to a great realization.

"Oh, oh, I know who you are!"

Everyone stared at Alec, who stared at the djinn, who stared back.

"Me?"

"Yeah! Oh, we've never met, but I heard a lot about you. And I do mean a lot. More than I ever wanted to know about the ex of a future conquest."

Alec had gone white. It wasn't hard to understand who the djinn was talking about - he was the ex of only one person.

"Not that we ever got to actually become acquainted,” added the djinn, sensing that it was not the best idea to piss Alec off. “He was too drunk and miserable, kind of pathetic really. I tried to spike his interest but all he could talk about was his sweet and kind ex-boyfriend who had betrayed him but he missed him so much and maybe he was also to blame and he almost regretted rejecting him and blah blah blah. Honestly, I granted him a wish to shut him up."

"He wished to forget everything about me?"

"What? Oh, no, not exactly. He just wanted to be relieved of that pain. Ever heard about the saying "Be careful of what you wish for"? It’s my favorite. Actually…"

The smug smile from the djinn was short-lived, because Alec's fist connected with his face, taking everyone by surprise. It wasn't that rare for Alec to lose his temper, but never that way, never physically. He was usually repressed, collected. And now for the second time that day, he was taken over by anguish. It only lasted a moment: suddenly, he sagged, losing all energy. He seemed defeated. 

Clary pushed the still baffled djinn forward to take him away from Alec, Jace following. He was staring into the void, shock written all over his face. He jumped when Isabelle lay a hand on his shoulder.

"You're okay?"

He looked at her and he was so utterly lost, so sad and hurt that she was briefly reminded of a time years ago, when they were still more or less children. Alec, whose heart would be crushed repeatedly by their uncaring parents, blind to his efforts and the work he put in everything he did, starved for recognition. How she had looked at him from a corner while he exhausted himself in training or studying, and while, more than once, she had had to tell him that his face was wet with tears. He used to not notice.

It hadn't change that much.

"Alec..."

She put both hands on his cheeks, wiping his silent tears. He was tall, far taller than she was, but he was hunched over, bent towards his little sister even if he was unable to ask her for comfort. He didn't have to anyway. She had always been acutely tuned to his emotions.

"Did I hurt him so bad?" he asked in a terribly small and shaky voice. "I hurt him so bad, it was all my fault. I did that to him. I love him more than anything and I hurt him so, so bad..."

"You heard him, that's not what he wanted, to forget.”

"But he wished to feel nothing. Every little thing in the world he could have asked for, and that was his wish."

"He was drunk and heartbroken. Rarely a good combination. It was still fresh, and yes, he was hurting, just like you. And he made a stupid wish to a stupid djinn who did a stupid thing to grant it."

"It still hurts."

He seemed almost surprised to say it.

"It still hurts Izzy, it hurts so bad."

"I know. I know."

She gathered him in her arms and let him cry.

.

"He said it can easily be undone,” said Jace when he came out of the interrogation room.

"What?"

"Magnus's memory. He could easily undo it himself actually, if he’s made aware of it. The djinn said it was just a bit of fun, that he intended to reverse it anyway, than none of his wishes lasted for long. But then he found out Magnus was a high warlock and... well, he wasn't too sure of what would happen to his poor ass..."

"Isn't it great?" said Isabelle. “All of this was a terrible mistake. Magnus will remember us, and..."

"And what?" asked Alec suddenly.

"And, well, and then..."

"Maybe we shouldn't reverse it."

"What?"

Alec refused to look at her. He was never good with full-fledged confrontation, even when he was convinced of his own opinion. 

"We don't know what he really wanted. Maybe he knew what he was doing. Maybe he had think about it. And anyway..."

He was talking more to himself than his siblings. His mind was far away from them. Back with Magnus probably, like it practically always was.

"He's happier like this. He got out. Maybe not in the best way, but the result is the same. He doesn't hurt anymore."

Isabelle couldn't decide between crying and punching him in the face.

"That's not how it works Alec. You don't just get away! Magnus entered a relationship willingly, knowing full well it could bring him pain. He doesn’t get to go back on that!"

"But he does. It's fortunate, for him. He never has to know, he'll be none the wiser, he can go on with his life."

"And what about you?"

He looked at her at that, confused, of course. Because Alec was always confused when people reminded him that they did, in fact, care about his wellbeing as well, and expected him to do it too, which he never did.

"What about me?"

"You still being miserable Alec! You being heartbroken and unhappy, and now on top of that secured in the knowledge that all hope is lost and that those times don't even mean anything to him anymore!"

She had elected to punch him on the chest, while crying.

"Why can't you be selfish for once? Why can't you stop being so noble and caring?"

"All I wish for is for him to be happy. With or without me, it doesn’t matter."

"It does. It does Alec. You may not care about your own happiness, but we do! And for that matter, he did too. Still does. He wouldn't want you to torture yourself like that! You are equally responsible of your break up."

"We are not."

"Yes you are! A relationship is not one way! I hate to break it to you, but not everything is always solely your fault!"

She wanted to bang his head with her words, to drill them inside his skull in the hope that he would finally, after eighteen years, believe them.

"What good would it do to give him his memory back? It wouldn't change anything, just bring him some more pain, again."

"We still need him."

"And we can still go to him. We don't need a broken relationship for that. Actually, it might be easier that way."

She knew there was no changing his mind for now. She sighed heavily. 

"Whatever, but know that he loved you, and that for us it was never over between the two of you. You don't see love like we do because you're so convinced that you're not worth it, but we know better."

.

Jace followed her in the corridors. She was walking fast, fist tightened and expression murderous. 

"You're going to do it anyway, right?" he said after keeping unusually silent for the entire conversation with Alec.

"Are you going to try and stop me?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, but he won't be pleased. And you did promise you would be more respectful of his wishes."

"It's not... it's not mere matchmaking for me. I can't stand this anymore. Him constantly putting the other before himself... He deserves better than that. I will go to Magnus. I don't know what I'll do for them, but it makes me sick to do nothing at all. It may be selfish of me, but someone has to be, for him. I don't want him to get way so easily. He will have that pain, just like the rest of us."

"You know I agree with you about Alec. He will still not be pleased."

"He doesn't have to know. It will be up to Magnus."

"I'll ask the djinn."

"Good. All this mess is because, of him, I don't know if I can face him and keep my cool."

.

Isabelle stood awkwardly in front of Magnus's building. She had been confident in front of Alec, and then Jace, but she had doubts now. She liked Magnus well enough, in the end. But Alec came first, always had, always would. And she was honest when she said she thought Magnus would want that as well. He didn't strike her as a person who would want to shy away from his past and certainly not as one who would hurt Alec that much on purpose. She had faith in his personality - she was certain he would be glad to have his memory back.

Still, she hesitated.

Wasn't she, once again, going against Alec's will, disregarding his feelings? She had said she would break this habit of overlooking him. But this she simply couldn't let go. She didn't believe things to be over between Alec and Magnus. What she had seen between them was no mere infatuation, not a passing fancy, for either of them. It couldn't be left this way.

Resolute, she rang the bell of Magnus's door.

.

"You self-sacrificing, self-deprecating idiot."

Alec was so surprised, he let go of the stick he was beating a punching bag with. He stood limply while the man made his way towards him. He seemed beyond angry. 

"Do you know me so little… Do you know me so little, Alexander Lightwood, to believe that I would be okay with forgetting all about you? Do you have so little faith in my ability to cope, in the four hundred years of experience in heartache I have behind me? Was it arrogance? Do you think yourself so special that you believed I couldn't bare to lose you specifically, when you accused me enough, of considering you one in a long line?

"No!"

Magnus softened immediately. He got closer, pain and love in his eyes, and cupped Alec's face in his hands.

"Then why? Why would you do that to yourself and to me? Why can't you be selfish?"

"That's what Izzy told me" Alec said lamely. Magnus laughed a little.

"I know. She had a few choice words, both for you and me, when she came to me."

"I... I had doubts she would do it anyway."

"You didn't try to stop her."

"Maybe I wasn't so sure of my decision after all."

They stared at each other. Alec leaned into Magnus's hands, he couldn't help it. Despite everything that had happened, he still felt impossibly complete right now, with Magnus, for the first time in weeks. He had missed him so much, still did. That small touch, his presence, his eyes on him, still angry and hurt but at least aware of him, it was more than he had hope for.

"You... You were hurting. I just wanted it to stop. I never meant to... I wanted it to stop."

"My love... This is not how it works. You know that right? No matter how much you want to. I fell in love with you. It's bound to hurt."

"Is it worth it then?"

"Alexander, it's worth everything. I said I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone, and it's still true. You gave me something I never had before, memories that I wouldn't dream of parting from. I will never, ever regret meeting you, and giving it a shot."

"But you still won't take me back" whispered Alec with a broken voice. He got free of Magnus's grip and took a few steps back.

"Alec..."

"Maybe I was being selfish," he said without meeting Magnus's gaze. "Maybe it was easier for me to swallow that we couldn't be together because you didn't know me, instead of knowing that we still loved each other, but were apart anyway."

"Somehow, I doubt that was your train of thought."

"Who knows? I am of hidden depth."

Magnus didn't laugh. He stared at Alec until he was willing to meet his gaze.

"I know.”

"Magnus, please... why did you come here? You are being cruel."

"I have to admit, I'm not so sure. It all came back to me and I couldn't think about doing anything else other than coming here to tackle you."

There was an awkward pause before Alec braced himself to ask the question that was burning on his lips.

"Wasn't... wasn't it better? To... to not remember?"

Magnus gave an unhappy huff.

"Angel, no. It was a rather sloppy job. I could tell something was missing, something wasn't right, but I figured it would resolve itself. Bad magic usually does."

"But was it..."

"No Alec, it wasn't better! It was a part of me ripped apart, a gaping hole where love should have been. It was terrible and wrong and I never wanted it. I never wanted it, do you hear me?"

Alec looked to the ground, ashamed.

"Did you?"

The question was barely audible. Alec looked up abruptly.

"What?"

"Did you... do you wish to forget? Are you envious?"

"No."

Alec looked horrified by the very idea. He shook his head fervently, like he wanted to get rid of the thought.

"Never. Never. Those were the happiest times of my life. I may be miserable now, but I was ten times worse before meeting you."

Magnus closed his eyes, overwhelmed. It was so hard.

"And you dare say that you are no good with words."

Magnus watched Alec's thoughts unravel in his head. He was debating with himself. He saw the moment when he made a decision, when he made up his mind. 

His mouth took a hard, determined turn.

"I wouldn't want to forget. Like you, I want to keep all those memories. To share them, someday."

Magnus gritted his teeth. It was unsubtle and blunt, not unlike Alec himself. The boy wasn't one for sugar coating. He knew only brutal honesty.

"I just... I just wanted to know. I wanted to know that... that what happened before... all that happened to you... that you don't dismiss it. That you won't dismiss me, one day when I'm gone. That you won't bury those memories, never to be thought about again. To know about you, like you know all about me. And maybe you thought it wasn't important but it... it was for me. That part of you."

It was rare for Alec to speak his mind. To demand and claim, to ask for something for himself. It was so rare that Magnus couldn't even recall an occasion when it had happened.

"Is it so hard to understand why I wouldn't want to? That I'd rather you keep the image you have of me, not tainted by the things in my past, some of them I'm really not proud of?"

"I get that you would have far more than me. I only have 18 years to account for after all. But you do know all of it. You know what made me the person I am now, you know where I come from, why I act like I do and think what I think. But I don't, and I can't understand you. I can't know why you're sad sometimes, why something will anger or hurt you. I felt that wall everywhere around you, all the time. The sensation that you didn't want to make a lasting impression on me, to reveal too much of yourself. Like you were being careful in case... In case we would fall apart? And I guess yeah, it proved right, that's great, it probably comforts you in the fact that it was the thing to do but... It was too hard to realize that in the end, you simply didn't expect us to last."

The speech left Alec empty and exhausted like after a physical effort. He didn't like to talk about it, to say those things aloud. He never felt legitimate in any of his feelings. He should have been glad of the attention of Magnus, be content with what the other offered. But maybe along the way he did start to think about himself a bit, like everyone kept telling him to.

"I needed that, Magnus. I needed to... needed you to show me that you... you believed in us. I needed that."

Magnus was looking at Alec like it was the first time he saw him. He had had doubts about what was going on in his lover's head, but he was far from understanding the depth of it. And Alec was right. Of course he was right.

"It's true. That I didn't think it would last, it's true. I guess I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for us to come to our senses, for something to go wrong and to remind us that is was a folly. And... and in the end, it happened right? But it wasn't anything from the outside, it wasn't an intangible force. It was just me. Me and you, being scared."

"Are you scared now?" asked Alec. He had gotten closer - it was too hard to stay away. He had to prevent himself from reaching out, from touching. His fingers itched.

"More than ever" whispered Magnus. He wanted to run and to remain exactly where he was as Alec got closer and closer. 

"I know I was selfish on this. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I hurt you because of it. The idea seduced me, that we could grow old together, and I was also thinking... that way I could spare you the pain of my death. You wouldn't have to go through that again. That was the most presumptuous thing I could have thought," he added with a small smile.

"It wasn't, Alexander. It wasn't presumptuous at all."

"Magnus..."

He was so close now, barely a breath away. His eyes, his beautiful blue eyes were shining with emotions as he got as close as possible without them touching at all.

"We still have a lot to discuss. It's still hard for me to trust you, as I expect it's gonna be hard for you to trust me."

"I know, I know..."

"It's gonna be hard."

"I know that. Please, please Magnus," pleaded Alec.

"Oh my, come here."

Alec literally crashed into him. He buried his face in Magnus's neck and seemed to shrink, to get smaller and smaller as if he wanted to disappear in his embrace. He was curled in on himself, his arms close to his chest, shoulders hunched over. Magnus wrapped his own arms around him, gathering the trembling man against his chest. Alec was crying softly in his neck. Maybe Magnus was crying too, he couldn't tell. He was disoriented by the incredible relief of having Alec back in his arms. This was right, this was how things were supposed to be. This was finally filling the empty spot at the center of his chest that had bothered him for the past few weeks, and was still there even after he had forgotten all about the reason why it existed in the first place. 

They were both doing all they could to get as close as possible, holding onto each other with a strength that was almost painful. Alec was surrounded by Magnus's presence, finally put at rest by his warmth, his scent, his soft, comforting hum in his ear. He couldn't let go. At that moment, he had the impression he could never let go again.

"I'm not letting you go,” he whispered. It was kind of ironic, considering Magnus was the one holding him, but he went on anyway. “Never. I don't care how long it takes, if you don't want me again. I'll never leave your side again. I can't."

"A bit dramatic of you isn't it?" joked Magnus lightly. His voice broke. He was overwhelmed.

"Learned from the best," answered the young man. He unfurled himself to wrap his arms around Magnus's waist and squeeze tighter. They almost lost their balance in their quest for more proximity.

"I’ll always want you, Alexander. I never stopped, and I never will. It will take some work but... but it's worth every possible effort, compromise, sacrifice, to be with you."

And finally, finally, Alec straightened up so they could look at each other, and, with infinite precaution, careful as if he was going to scare Magnus off, he moved forward and kissed him.

And kissed him, and kissed him again.

It was like going home after a long and exhausting trip to a foreign land. Opening the door and immediately putting your bags on the floor, taking two steps inside and finally being there, finally breathing, letting go. It was so irrational, why it had to be this person for it to work, why it had to be those lips, this face, this body, this soul. Why because it was the both of them, together, then it was perfect, stars aligned, earth resumed its course around the sun.

This was just how things were supposed to be

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I so bad at plot. That's why I don't write long stuff. Yeah this is long for me, my game is so weak. 
> 
> I didn't suffer through their break up and I still can't take it x)
> 
> English still isn't my first language but I have to admit I'm glad I started to post in english for this ship. Thank you all for the feedback on my other works and for reading this one. I'm Inrainbowz on tumblr, bye!


End file.
